Relationships
(7 minute read)
Jesus said: “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.” (Matthew 7:12 KJV)
This is known as The Golden Rule.
Do unto others what you would want them to do unto you.
It’s also called the Ethic of Reciprocity, with reciprocity meaning responding to others in kind or in a similar manner.
Be nice to others and they’ll be nice to you (well most of ’em). That’s good reciprocity. But it works the other way, too. Treat someone disrespectfully, and don’t be surprised when they return the favor. That’s bad reciprocity, but reciprocity nonetheless.
Confuscius, the Chinese philosopher (551-479 BC) expressed a similar principle:
“Jǐ suǒ bù yù, wù shī yú rén.”
Translation: “Do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you.“
unto others what you do not want others to do to you.“
But here’s another way to express The Golden Rule, and perhaps an even more meaningful one:
“Treat yourself as you would have others treat you and treat all others the same.”
Always be nice, friendly, kind, polite, respectful and fair to everyone, including yourself. And do it unconditionally.
But here’s an important question?
How can you consistently give to others something you don’t even give to yourself?
You Can Only Give What You Have
The way you treat others often reflects what’s going on inside you. When you have a healthy sense of self-worth, you’re more likely to extend the same respect and kindness toward others.
People who are secure in who they are don’t need to belittle, disrespect, or mistreat other people to feel better about themselves.
Respect for others reflects self-respect, and showing respect to others strengthens that self-respect.
Lack of self-respect is usually is the culprit when disrespecting others.
Or as they used to tell me back in the day, “It’s self-esteem, stupid!” You can have any level of esteem, worthiness or respect or any other kind of self, for yourself that you choose to have.
That’s why when you try to live “self-by yourself,” you will most probably fail.
Your true worth and identity does not come from yourself or the opinions of others. They come from whose you are in Christ.
Our relationship with others should flow from our relationship with Christ, which shapes how we see and treat ourselves and others.
Without it, your identity will always be incomplete and so will your relationships. If you don’t know Christ, you probably won’t be able to figure that out until you do know Him.
This shows why so many people just can’t seem to get it right with their relationships.
Here’s a Simple Formula:
You get what you give.
But you gotta ‘have it’ before you can ‘give it.’
So get what you need and then give it and you will get it in return.
You cannot genuinely give friendliness, kindness, respect or integrity unless those qualities are part of your character. You can ‘fake-it’, but you’re probably not gonna ‘make-it.’
If you give “good,” you can generally expect ‘good’ in return. Not always, but most often. If you give “bad,” don’t be surprised when bad comes right back at you.
That’s called reciprocity.
Reciprocity means “to return in kind or in like manner.” Good for good. Bad for bad. It’s human nature. So if you want somebody to be nice to you, be nice to them first. And if someone treats you poorly, think first and choose not to respond in kind. In fact, respond to unkindness with kindness.
When someone is unkind, “kill ’em with kindness!” It’s like heaping burning coals on their head (Proverbs 25:22). That’s both fun and Biblical!
Just to be clear, don’t literally kill anyone or heap burning coals on their head. We’re speaking figuratively, of course—as tempting as it might be and as much as you might think they deserve it! 🙂
Good reciprocity is the key to every relationship.
Of course, reciprocity isn’t guaranteed. Some people won’t return your kindness, no matter how much you give them. But that’s their choice, not yours.
And that brings us to the real challenge:
If someone “gives you bad,” how should you respond?
In like manner? No!
Responding to good actions is easy, but the real test of your character is how you respond when someone says or does something bad.
When someone gives you “bad,” you have a choice. You can give it right back to them and risk making matters worse, or you can make a conscious decision to respond with “good.”
And sometimes the best response is no response at all. Just smile and change the subject.
The key is to never allow someone else’s bad behavior to determine your own behavior.
That a DNR. Do not reciprocate the bad behavior of others.
Your standard isn’t how others treat you. Your standard is Christlike character— doing what is Christlike, pleasing to God and brings Him glory.
You can’t always control what others give you, but you can always control what you give them in return.
If someone gives you bad and you respond with good instead of bad, they’re not getting what they gave, and you’re not giving what you got!
But think about this: If they give you bad and you respond with good, and you get what you give, isn’t it likely that they’ll respond in like manner and give you good in return?
I say, most likely!
We’ll call this reverse reciprocity. It’s returning good for bad instead of bad for bad.
That’s a win-win proposition!
That’s why you should set the tone for every personal encounter by beating the other person to the punch (figuratively, of course!) and “give good” first. Be proactive so you won’t have to be reactive.
Smile first, speak first, extend your hand first, offer a friendly greeting first, say something nice first, show kindness, courtesy, and respect first. Treat others fairly and offer a little encouragement before they have a chance to set a different tone.
Design your character—your default factory setting—to always respond to both good and bad with good. When someone gives you a negative, give them a positive in return. It may catch them off guard because that’s not what they expected, especially if they’re looking for a confrontation.
The Bible tells us, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1 ESV)
That verse has literally saved my life many times. Try the soft answer.
Tell someone, “I hope you have a great day!” You just might be amazed at what you get in return.
Give it your best shot, but always stay in character. Choose your actions and reactions wisely. As the Bible teaches, “turn the other cheek” (Matthew 5:39). But if that “turn the other cheek” thing doesn’t work out too well, turn the other two cheeks and walk—or run— away! 🙂
Life is short and the only way you can live it as God intended it to be lived is to actually live it like God intended you to live it— His Grace, your faith; His promises, your obedience; His love for you, your love for Him, your love for yourself through Him, and your love for others, because He first loved us all.
